Hey Nerds,
I used a self-checkout this morning that accused me of placing an unexpected item in the bagging area. It was the banana I had just scanned. We had witnesses. The machine repeated the accusation. I removed the banana, returned it, removed it again, and then watched a nineteen-year-old clear my criminal record with a laminated card.
Here’s the news.
IN THIS ISSUE:
Sony explains why “Buy” does not mean ownership
Pokémon puts a card player and Mimikyu in a movie
Michael Myers loses one Japanese console
and more
SONY SAYS YOU KNEW “BUY” DIDN’T MEAN BUY
Sony, responding to a proposed class action from four players, told a court that “reasonable consumers” understand a PlayStation Store game purchase grants a license rather than ownership. The plaintiffs say labels including “Buy Now” and “Confirm Purchase” imply they own a copy; Sony countered that if one customer truly owned Resident Evil Requiem, another could not have bought it later.
If one player truly owned Resident Evil Requiem, nobody else could buy it afterward?? Great. I bought Die Hard on Blu-ray in 2011, so the rest of you need to return your copies. I’ll screen it in my garage every Christmas. Folding chairs are nine dollars; popcorn is licensed separately; shoes stay outside because I just swept.
POKÉMON PUTS THE CARD TABLE ON THE BIG SCREEN
The Pokémon Company has unveiled Pokémon: Wild Card, a feature-length animated movie coming in 2027 about a competitive Pokémon Trading Card Game player and his partner Mimikyu. The hero is chasing a championship through cards rather than sending living Pokémon into battle, making this the franchise’s first TCG-centered movie and its first new Pokémon feature since 2020.
I need the film to respect real card-game stakes. The hero plays one card. His opponent sighs, opens a binder worth more than a Subaru and says, “Before we begin, no drinks near the table.” He is not the villain. He has seen what orange soda does to first editions. The villain is the child approaching with sticky hands.
ANDREW GARFIELD REOPENS THE GAY SPIDER-MAN CONVERSATION
Andrew Garfield, speaking with Entertainment Weekly ahead of The Uprising, revisited his 2013 call for a gay Spider-Man and said he still believes anyone should be able to see themselves in the suit, regardless of race, gender or sexuality.
Spider-Man movies can hold three Peters, five villains, a wizard and an interdimensional traffic jam, but give Peter a boyfriend and somebody calls an emergency meeting. “Could the boyfriend secretly be Morbius?” No. Take the marker away. Check his pockets for more Morbius. He brought storyboards. Security!
MICHAEL MYERS FAILS JAPAN’S PS5 PAPERWORK
Halloween: The Game will not release for PS5 in Japan after the developers failed to obtain a CERO age rating over “visceral violence and nudity.” The team said cutting enough material to comply would compromise the original film’s “worldview” and the expected gameplay.
I admire the phrase “compromise the worldview of the original film.” Michael Myers’ worldview is walk slowly, breathe through rubber and make babysitting a high-risk profession. Remove the violence and nudity and he becomes a large man standing near hedges, which gets posted to the neighborhood Facebook group with eleven blurry photos and the caption DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS MAN???
THE NEWS CRAWLING UNDER THE DOOR
Ti West made Christmas creepier in new first-look photos for Ebenezer, with Johnny Depp as Scrooge. A Christmas Carol already contains a chained corpse and three supernatural home invasions.
Pikmin 3 got prettier with a free Switch 2 update adding improved visuals and GameShare for Bingo Battle. The tiny labor force can now carry fruit in higher resolution, which management will cite instead of raises.
Oni announced Pop Nun, Alison Oliver’s graphic memoir The Juiciest Tomato of All: Corita Kent, Pop Nun, for May 11, 2027. Andy Warhol had soup cans; Corita had vows and a title that sounds illegal at a farmers market.
Fate/Extra changed hands again after years of delays: Aniplex replaces Bandai Namco as publisher, Meteorise takes over development, and director Kazuya Nino has left. At this point the Holy Grail is a finished build and everybody still standing has one wish left.
Isabelle Huppert became Báthory in The Blood Countess, a bizarro black comedy headed for U.S. theaters in spring 2027 after a September 17 Fantastic Fest premiere. Her party includes a vegetarian vampire and his psychotherapist, because immortality does not excuse skipping the intake forms.
Ted Raimi wrapped production on Your Dearest Darkest Friend, a half-hour Screambox talk show where horror guests drink crafted cocktails while haunted puppets interrupt. Late-night television has reached the correct puppet-possession ratio.
CALENDAR
SEPTEMBER 9 — MICHAEL MYERS CLOCKS IN: Halloween: The Game launches on Xbox and PC in Japan, while the Japanese PS5 edition remains outside staring through the window.
SEPTEMBER 17 — VEGETARIAN VAMPIRE FAMILY OUTING: The Blood Countess premieres at Fantastic Fest.
NOVEMBER 13 — SCROOGE JUMPSCARE DAY: Ebenezer reaches theaters.
MAY 11, 2027 — POP NUN RELEASE DAY: The Juiciest Tomato of All: Corita Kent, Pop Nun arrives from Oni Press.
Got feelings about any of this?
If The Nerdage saved you a morning of tabs, pop-ups and one video player that hid its mute button, buy me a coffee and keep the tiny newsroom animal fed. It has started chewing the wires.
-Zak
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