Hey Nerds,
I held a door for a guy who was still about forty feet away yesterday. He did the little guilt-jog. I had already committed, so we both spent eight seconds pretending this was normal instead of a hostage situation with hinges. He said “thanks.” I said “sorry.” Great. I turned basic courtesy into cardio.
Let’s get to the news.
IN THIS ISSUE:
GTA VI becomes Netflix’s biggest “movie”
Marvel hires a crucial mystery person and refuses to elaborate
Street Fighter makes you earn the right to watch its trailer
...and more
GTA VI ACCIDENTALLY WON NETFLIX
Rockstar Games’ 27-minute Grand Theft Auto VI: An Extended Look pulled 31.1 million Netflix views between its Aug. 27 debut and Aug. 30, making it the service’s most-watched title of the week. Netflix classified the PS5-captured game preview as an English-language film, where it hit No. 1 in 87 of 93 tracked countries despite being exclusive to Netflix for only six hours before landing on YouTube.
I want every director who spent eighteen months editing a two-hour drama to receive one free office chair they’re allowed to throw through a window. Rockstar showed some car theft and beach traffic and apparently that’s cinema now. Cannes, clear a slot.
MARVEL HIRED NOAH JUPE AND LOCKED THE FILE
Noah Jupe, known for A Quiet Place and The Death of Robin Hood, has joined Marvel Studios’ Avengers: Secret Wars in what Deadline’s sources describe as a key but undisclosed role. Jupe recently starred opposite Sadie Sink in a West End production of Romeo & Juliet; Sink is also now in the MCU.
I love Marvel announcing that someone has a VERY IMPORTANT ROLE and then refusing to say what the role is. That’s the superhero equivalent of your landlord texting “I need to get into your apartment today” and then going completely silent. WHY. What happened. Is there water coming through the ceiling? Is Noah Jupe playing Water Coming Through The Ceiling? TELL ME
STREET FIGHTER MADE THE TRAILER FIGHT BACK
Paramount Pictures and Legendary Entertainment launched a new Street Fighter trailer alongside the film’s World Warrior Tour kickoff in Tokyo, then went a step further and released what they’re billing as the first playable full-length movie trailer on YouTube, using YouTube Playables for a “Combo Challenge.” Andrew Koji is Ryu, Noah Centineo is Ken, Callina Liang is Chun-Li, while the cast also includes Jason Momoa, 50 Cent, Roman Reigns, Cody Rhodes, Orville Peck and Eric André. The film opens in October.
I clicked a trailer and it asked me to perform combos. EXCUSE ME. I am here to passively consume marketing while lying sideways on a couch. Now Paramount expects hand-eye coordination? If I screw up the combo does the trailer stop and make me watch a tutorial? LET ME SEE BLANKA.
RESIDENT EVIL GAVE A NORMAL GUY LEON’S ITINERARY
Director Zach Cregger says his new Resident Evil movie borrows the “rhythm and scale” of Resident Evil 4 while taking character inspiration from Resident Evil 7. That means Austin Abrams’ Bryan, an ordinary medical courier rather than a trained supercop, gets thrown through an escalating series of locations and set pieces during Raccoon City’s outbreak. Cregger says the standalone story occurs alongside the events of Resident Evil 2. The movie opens Sept. 18.
Makes sense, I guess? DoorDash would still label Raccoon City a “high demand area.”
SEVERAL OTHER THINGS HAVE GONE WRONG
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe got a free Switch 2 update adding local split-screen for up to eight players on one console. Eight-player split-screen is less videogame and more retinal archaeology.
NVIDIA’s new DLSS 5 debuts Sept. 3 in NBA 2K27, using 3D-guided neural rendering for more realistic lighting, skin and materials. NVIDIA specifically boasts about light transmitting naturally through ears. We crossed another technological frontier and it was apparently ear meat.
No Rest for the Wicked has pushed its 1.0 launch from October to March 2027 so Moon Studios can keep polishing it. At this point the title isn’t branding. It’s an instruction from management.
Audible’s Harry Potter audiobooks have sold more than five million copies in nine months, according to Audible. Turns out there was still money buried under Hogwarts. Somebody tell the goblins.
Halloween: The Game’s East Haddonfield map moves Michael Myers into farmland, garages, a grain mill and the Rabbit in Red Lounge. Michael has spent decades terrorizing suburbia and is apparently expanding into agritourism.
Dave Boyle will direct a modern reimagining of Kiyoshi Kurosawa’s techno-horror classic Pulse for Screen Gems, Spyglass and Parker Finn’s Bad Feeling. Making the internet scarier in 2026 feels unfair.
Adventure Time: Side Quests returns for season two Oct. 2 on Disney+ and Hulu with wrestling toads, baby gladiators and more Finn-and-Jake nonsense. Baby gladiators means somebody in Ooo looked at daycare and said, “Needs brackets.”
CALENDAR
September 3, 2026 - Basketball gets better ears
September 8, 2026 - Michael Myers finds farmland
September 18, 2026 - Courier regrets accepting route
October 2, 2026 - Babies enter the arena
October 2026 - Blanka becomes Jason Momoa
November 19, 2026 - Productivity collapses globally
March 2027 - Wicked finally rests
December 17, 2027 - Noah Jupe becomes something
Got feelings about any of this?
That’s enough damage for one morning. If The Nerdage saved you from opening seventeen tabs and accidentally learning what “3D-guided neural ear rendering” means, buy me a coffee and keep this weird little thig running.
-Zak
Did a friend forward you this email?
